Trust me i am astonished with myself that I am writing more than once in a 24 hour span of time (it's the Gilmores, i swear). However, with this stream of consciousness as my best friend i thought i would hook my readers with some questions. If you read this often (and don't lie i know there is a handful of you out there), do me a huge favor and answer these questions. I am in need of some inspiration (the whole dark and sad thing is over rated).

First, i am a huge fan of parenthesis (you hadn't notice :). You have one pair, what goes in them?

Second, you have a chocolate cake and a pot of coffee, it is for whom?

You sit counting stars, how many are there?

You have a camera with an awesome lens but the memory card only holds ten pictures, what do you take them of?

No limits guys. I like inspiration :) Keep it coming.

My Gilmore Girl Life

It's six o'clock at night and i still can't believe i am sitting at my computer. It's practically been 24 hours, with the occasional break for Christmas cookies and laundry that i was bribed into doing, of staring at a screen. I have sat down to complete the ultimate task--watch every episode of Gilmore Girls. Though very 17-year-old girl of me, the show has pulled me in and forced me to think about the realities of life. Does true love find you? Or it is hidden in small towns like Stars Hollow where the produce guy and mayor both know your name? Are perfect mom and daughter relationships out there with the perfect balance of door-slamming fights and goofy movie nights full of $40 worth of candy? Or does the mistake of a 16-year-old pregnancy have a twist a normal family doesn't? And though my questions are silly, mostly consisting of the likelihood of Chad Michael Murray and I bumping in the hallway at school, i have also begun to notice the "perfect slices of life" in my own world.
I love walking down stairs and seeing coffee (even if Lorelei propelled the thought in my head) and knowing there's company there to sweeten the black in my cup. I love surrounding myself with fresh clothes and silly dvds and just enjoy being a girl while still getting something done. I love that when things go crazy silly mad in my life, home is not only at this keyboard, but in the millions of people around me, certainly worthy of a movie box cover. Life will never be a hamburger at Luke's, but it will always be full of people crazy about me and those i am so excited to be crazy for.
Thanks for joining my life, may it be through this silly blog or 8 hour Gilmore Girl marathons (Sabrina I love you). Thanks for loaning me your movies that give me a passion to write (Natasha) or giving me moments so perfect for pictures displayed on my wall (Michelle). Thanks for kicking me in the behind and reminding me i had a blog to update (Baby De) and for constantly checking on it even though we really don't 'know' each other (Brian). Thanks for listening to the shit i need to write about (Katie J.) and letting me talk about things you are sick of hearing (Natalie). Thanks for letting me be stubborn (George) and answering every gosh darn question a girl could think of (Nathan). Thanks for forgiving me if i didn't mention your name, but still understanding how crazy i am for you. Thanks for making my life as awesome as Dean's and Rory's but so much more fun to live. Here things are tangible and real and don't make your eyes see spots when you look up (trust me i have been watching forever!). Have a wonderful Gilmore Girl day. I sure know i will. :)

The last thing i needed was for his name to vibrate across my phone's screen again, and thus it did. His news was bitter-sweet; his parents are moving, austin will no longer be his home. He's coming Thursday to wave his goodbyes, and my arm is hesitant to lift in return. After all i have felt and cried for, what is the right thing to do? Morn the closing of a friendship or celebrate the loss of a heavy burden in my life? I need some help with this decision. Do i see him and say goodbye or keep on pretending like it never happened?

Hold my Weight

It’s 4 am and I can’t believe we still have things to talk about
I mean in two years you’d think we would cover it all
Sometimes the real us never comes out
Until we are dragged through the dirt
Hung low
Depressed
The tears, salty only a minute ago,
Run like sweet relief to my heart
I want it out.
I told you what it felt like the night I knew she betrayed me
The night I knew I would never trust again
I told you about the night I was willing to give him everything
What it felt like to be exposed in front of the world
I told you what it felt like to need to feel the pain so much
You would do it yourself
I told you about meeting him
Him number one
Every other him up until number four
I told you about number four
Number four was my best friend
I liked him best by my side
I liked him plus girlfriend
Plus mom without job
I liked him with two cups of sarcasm
A bowl for my tears
Plus one full ride to college
And an “I love you” to another girl
I liked him best by my side
Because he was my best friend
I told you what that felt like
I told you what it felt like the night I knew someone had done it again
Taken everything I worked for
Sold it for a cheap email address and some pictures
How much I cried and screamed and hated the world, then
I told you how number four was ten numbers away
The distance was over 3000 miles
I told you about losing my only friend
How she left only because I wanted to make her better
I told you what it felt like the night four called me
Sunken with drunken explanation
Low and behold,
He hated me too
I told you what it felt like
When what’s in your head becomes physical
About the first blackout
The first trip to the hospital
I told you about drugs so much cheaper than therapy
I told you my mom thought it was all my head
I told you what that felt like
For something in your head to
Make your legs numb
Your body shake
Keep you up all night
Insomnia screeching in your ear
Make your head spin
Your stomach churn
Your eyes leak
I told you what that felt like
I told you what it felt to get a hard dose of reality
What it felt like
The first day I knew I was depressed
I told you what it felt like to be me
See the world with eye spots
Nausea
Still love that girl who’s convinced the third abortion
Will never bring baby back
Love that girl so beautiful
Still fighting the scale
Still love that boy plus new girl
That mom
Confused with motherhood
I told you what it felt like to love
Only because you needed love that much
I told you about refusing to touch people
Knowing that one touch
I would give away all I had left
I told you about my strengths and my weaknesses
What it felt like to be weak
I told you and yet there’s so much I still want out
An infant trapped in my mind
Water broke
Contracting
Screaming for help
I want it out.
I want it out that
I don’t believe in
Anyone
Anymore
I want it out that I want to cry for no reason
For the world to quit wiping my tears
Let me run
I want it out that I need purpose
Give me one
I want it out
That love is so powerful
So girl with baby
Boy with lover
Quit wasting love on sex
I want it out that this world is so full of opportunity
Quit screwing it up for me
Quit closing my book
I have not finished
My body is strong enough to be thrust on the pages
Write my own story
I want it out
That I am sick of feeling it
This vomit has dried
You clean it up
You love me when I am sick
Sweaty
And a mess to be around
Love me because I am me plus four thousand problems
And a heart so ready to give back
I want it out because it’s ripping me
Raping me
Destroying all the hope I have left in this world
It’s 4 am, and I want out
Let my voice leak to ink
Let it dye your pages and run onto your heart
Let it out
So I can change the world
Before it changes me anymore
I am black
Cold
Shaken
I want it out
Will you take it
Hold my weight
I will breath again