Hold my Weight

It’s 4 am and I can’t believe we still have things to talk about
I mean in two years you’d think we would cover it all
Sometimes the real us never comes out
Until we are dragged through the dirt
Hung low
Depressed
The tears, salty only a minute ago,
Run like sweet relief to my heart
I want it out.
I told you what it felt like the night I knew she betrayed me
The night I knew I would never trust again
I told you about the night I was willing to give him everything
What it felt like to be exposed in front of the world
I told you what it felt like to need to feel the pain so much
You would do it yourself
I told you about meeting him
Him number one
Every other him up until number four
I told you about number four
Number four was my best friend
I liked him best by my side
I liked him plus girlfriend
Plus mom without job
I liked him with two cups of sarcasm
A bowl for my tears
Plus one full ride to college
And an “I love you” to another girl
I liked him best by my side
Because he was my best friend
I told you what that felt like
I told you what it felt like the night I knew someone had done it again
Taken everything I worked for
Sold it for a cheap email address and some pictures
How much I cried and screamed and hated the world, then
I told you how number four was ten numbers away
The distance was over 3000 miles
I told you about losing my only friend
How she left only because I wanted to make her better
I told you what it felt like the night four called me
Sunken with drunken explanation
Low and behold,
He hated me too
I told you what it felt like
When what’s in your head becomes physical
About the first blackout
The first trip to the hospital
I told you about drugs so much cheaper than therapy
I told you my mom thought it was all my head
I told you what that felt like
For something in your head to
Make your legs numb
Your body shake
Keep you up all night
Insomnia screeching in your ear
Make your head spin
Your stomach churn
Your eyes leak
I told you what that felt like
I told you what it felt to get a hard dose of reality
What it felt like
The first day I knew I was depressed
I told you what it felt like to be me
See the world with eye spots
Nausea
Still love that girl who’s convinced the third abortion
Will never bring baby back
Love that girl so beautiful
Still fighting the scale
Still love that boy plus new girl
That mom
Confused with motherhood
I told you what it felt like to love
Only because you needed love that much
I told you about refusing to touch people
Knowing that one touch
I would give away all I had left
I told you about my strengths and my weaknesses
What it felt like to be weak
I told you and yet there’s so much I still want out
An infant trapped in my mind
Water broke
Contracting
Screaming for help
I want it out.
I want it out that
I don’t believe in
Anyone
Anymore
I want it out that I want to cry for no reason
For the world to quit wiping my tears
Let me run
I want it out that I need purpose
Give me one
I want it out
That love is so powerful
So girl with baby
Boy with lover
Quit wasting love on sex
I want it out that this world is so full of opportunity
Quit screwing it up for me
Quit closing my book
I have not finished
My body is strong enough to be thrust on the pages
Write my own story
I want it out
That I am sick of feeling it
This vomit has dried
You clean it up
You love me when I am sick
Sweaty
And a mess to be around
Love me because I am me plus four thousand problems
And a heart so ready to give back
I want it out because it’s ripping me
Raping me
Destroying all the hope I have left in this world
It’s 4 am, and I want out
Let my voice leak to ink
Let it dye your pages and run onto your heart
Let it out
So I can change the world
Before it changes me anymore
I am black
Cold
Shaken
I want it out
Will you take it
Hold my weight
I will breath again